How not to bring up a gay child

As I ve already said Im gay and have been all my life. Im one of the growing majority that think that if your gay its not because of enviroment or upbringing. And is therefore not a choice but just a fact. The people who argue that I choose to be gay obviously think Im a bit thick too and want to be treat like a second class citizen, be judged, condemed, unable to have children etc etc.

When I was growing up and reached my early teens I did nt know I was gay. I did know I was different.
But did nt know why that was. I knew I didnt "fancy" girls or fantasise about them and felt out of place from my peers all of whom could nt wait to feel a girls breast or, well you get the picture.

At that time I did nt realise I was attracted to boys. Though I knew I had crushes on boys and certain teachers.

As I developed those crushes became more intense, I became more isolated from my straight friends and I soon worked out I was a "puff". The word gay was nt used much at my school, if at all.

In fact it was rarely used anywhere. Queer, homo, bum boy, eventually fag, arse bandit, they were the words I would hear when referring to anyone gay.
Thankfully through some deliberate concealment on my part these words were never used against me at school.

However there was one boy at my school, a year older, who these words were targeted at, every single day.
I never knew his name. But everyday for 2 long years I would see him spat on, punched, abused verbally and physically, in school and out and no one did anything about it. Including teachers.
So from I learnt that unless I hid my sexuality completely I too would be subject to this hate filled assault and abuse.

So what was my home life like at this time. Well my parents were very ordinary working class people who like most people were a bit prejudice, a bit judgemental.
But never particularly voiced their prejudice anymore than anyone else.

By the time I reached 16/17 I was pretty much a loner, I d visit the cinema alone and go shopping into town alone.
Not because I could not make friends but because I was frightened to befriend in case my secret should come to light.
I d never had sex, and tried my best not even to think about it. After all we were nt given gay sex education at school, in fact it was never ever mentioned.

By 18/19 I did have friends. I had got a job in a bar in town which employed lots of diverse young people, including a couple of gay ones.
I felt comfortable and at ease in their company. I still had not had sex.

At home things were strained. Having to hide my real self was taking its toll.
My mother met a friend from my work in town and was appalled at how camp he was. She made great play of taking the piss out of his mannerisims to my father on our return home, much to my humiliation.
She would go through my pockets and remove condoms!, and other comments were made about how I dressed or friends I had made. None of those comments supportive.

I felt my parents would hate me if they knew I was gay. They d feel let down, betrayed and disgusted. A figure of ridicule and pity.

Not long after I thought I feel in love.
He was a bit older than me, tall, handsome, blond and great to be around. He was also bisexual.
I was the happiest I d ever been.
It did nt last of course and when it ended I was devastated and wrote a self pitying letter which I hid under my matress.

My mother found the letter.

Apparently they d always known I was gay.
I needed to have an AIDS test.
Maybe your bisexual, like Elton John.
I d always be lonely.
Freddie Mercury deserved to die, it was self inflicted.

They were just some of things they said to me.
Id still never had sex.

But now I did nt care my remaining self respect was destroyed, my confidence taken away - I was as I had always suspected to be disgusted, ridiculed and hated.

Move forward several years, my parents think I have a problem with being gay.
They think they dont and never have done.
They like Paul O Grady and Sean from Corrie.
And have never made be feel uncomfortable about my sexuality, ever. Thats what they say.

Last weekend I had my first row with my parents. I told them they treat my differently and were homophobic.
I mentioned it took them 15 years to send my partner of 19 years regular xmas/birthday cards. Whilst my straight brothers girlfriend and her children received gifts from day one.
I mentioned that my partner sent them cards and gifts from day one but they never thanked him.
Yet my brothers girlfriends gifts resulted in tears of appreciation.
I mentioned the piss taking, name calling of a sons friends and the humilation I d felt. Actions they did when according to them they knew their son was gay.

I m making it up they said.
None of it happened they said.
Why had I not mentioned it before now they said.
It was my fault because I d never opened up to them they said.

And I remember back to school to the lad being spat on, punched and abused everyday.
And I remember back to my mother relishing telling my dad about how effeminate one of my friends was and how funny they found it as she demonstrated his limp wrist and slight lisp.

But then I remember they re not homophobic and never have been because they say they re not.
So how can they be.